Apple Pie (Vanilla Ice Cream)
Editor’s Note: This pie was comically terrible, and perhaps the worst I have ever encountered. It was consumed, almost in its entirety, for the benefit of you, the reader. Brain on Parks is nothing if not a bastion of sound culinary journalism, and sacrifices must be made for the good of society.
Crust: 1/10; this crust is only receiving one point because it must be acknowledged that there was, indeed, a crust. There are not enough grotesquely descriptive words in the English lexicon to properly denounce the horrors of this “crust”… If the diabolical baker of this pie had soaked a manila envelope in water and glue and devised a crust out of papier mache, it undoubtedly would have been more palatable than this wretched rubbery atrocity. I had half a mind to report this establishment to the International Criminal Court in The Hague…
Ice Cream: 4/10; the only remotely edible portion of this dish. Standard vanilla ice cream to which I’m sure I’ve proffered higher marks in the past, was somehow tarnished merely by its association with this confectionary… thing.
Filling: 2/10; these were clearly apples at one point in time, so a modicum of credit goes to that fact (unlike whatever chemical compounds make up the ‘blueberries’ in most store-bought blueberry muffins these days). However, the thick sugar syrup and heaping helping of preservatives effectively negate any apple flavor which may have been originally present from nature.
Presentation: 4/10; it doesn’t look terrible, and the apples look borderline appetizing before you take your first bite. The double scoop of ice cream also helps mask the underlying putrid crust, but only to a point.
Taste: 2/10; again, the two scoops of mediocre vanilla ice cream serve as the sole saving grace of this pie, boosting the point total for this category from a ‘1’ to a ‘2’. Ted Bundy is more innocent than the fiendish monster who saw fit to concoct and serve this fetid slop.
Overall: 13/50; 1.5 slices – Kristen Stewart’s dialogue in ‘Breaking Dawn’ outshines this pie by leaps and bounds. Anyone familiar with the ‘Twilight’ films will understand the severity of this statement.